This is one of the most frequently asked questions I get from clients/readers who find themselves entering the dating world. This letter is typical:
Dear Michael:
I’m looking for a boyfriend, but not too seriously. I enjoy great sex a lot of the time and meet most of these guys online. I think that having sex with a guy is a good way to “screen him” to see if he is potential boyfriend material. If our chemistry is good in bed, then that tells me to go ahead and get to know him better. If we’re not good in bed together, why consider him as boyfriend material? My friends disagree and say I’ve got it backwards. What do you think? — Testing them out in Palm Springs
It doesn’t seem like “Mr. Testing them out” has a system that really works for him. If so, why would he email me? There is also a big contradiction in his email: He says he’s looking for a boyfriend, but not too seriously.
What does that mean? It could mean that he’s leisurely looking for a boyfriend, taking his time and enjoying the process. Or it could mean that he has some inner conflict going on, e.g., part of him wants a boyfriend, but part of him doesn’t. Part of him just wants good sex, part of him wants more. Sound familiar? He’s not alone.
From my work with clients, I have observed that making sex the most important element in a “potential partner screening system” rarely works.
Here’s why: Most long-term couples, looking back, tell me that the sex was OK at the beginning, but got even better as they got to know and trust each other. Some couples even said that while sex was just so-so at the beginning, they really liked each other in so many other ways that they hung in there.
If you’re interested in having a lover/partner, what is most important to you in a relationship? Is it great sex, intimacy, really liking each other, a sense of humor, shared goals, common interests? There are no right and wrong answers; get clear on what matters to you so you know how to proceed.
If you use sex as a screening tool, your “system” may let you down if you meet someone fabulous, but the initial sex isn’t as great as the rest of your connection. For many people, sex needs time to develop into something really fabulous.
In my experience as a therapist, most people have better sex when we really know our partner well: what he likes, how and when she likes it, what turns him on/off, if she likes to talk much (or not), when and if he wants oral sex, anal sex, body contact, wrestling around, kissing, hugging … you know!
If what you really want is to just have fun, then go to it! As long as nobody gets emotionally or physically harmed, go forth and enjoy all the wonderful women and men out there. However, if what you really want is a girlfriend or boyfriend, then sit yourself down and come clean. Try this exercise:
- Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. Be honest, this list is for your eyes only.
- Describe how you want the relationship to be (let yourself be idealistic, it’s OK).
- Put this aside for three days, then look at what you wrote and see if you still feel that way. Feel free to add to or change it to make it more real for you.
Many of my clients have found this process helpful in getting clear on what they really want from a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or both!
Most people who contact me for psychotherapy do so because something that they’re doing isn’t working for them. There may be an inherent contradiction in their thinking: I want this, but I also want not this. I want a boyfriend but I’m not willing to commit to the work, time and commitment that a good relationship requires.
I want a girlfriend who’s there for me 24/7, but I also want to be able to have sex with different women when I feel like it. We can’t have both this and not this when they so clearly conflict. This is why so many people tell me they’re “stuck.” Usually, they’re not being honest with themselves.
Getting clear on what you really want will help you move ahead and create it. Using sex as a “potential partner screening device” has its limitations: it ignores the other qualities of a potential girlfriend or boyfriend that may, in the long run, outweigh the sex.
For many people in committed relationships (monogamous or not), the sex gets better as the love (and the like) grows stronger.
Michael Kimmel, a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738), operates a private practice in San Diego, offering telehealth services throughout the state of California. With over 25 years of counseling experience, he brings warmth, insight and a healthy sense of humor to his work. lifebeyondtherapy.com