~by steven ing ~
Is there anybody out there in 2019, who isn’t disgusted by political and religious attempts to make adoption and foster care services available only to hetero-normative couples? The latest case has a happy ending (for now) ending Michigan’s use of tax dollars to subsidize religious groups who discriminate. The heroes include the ACLU and the Michigan attorney general. The villains are the usual suspects: Catholic and evangelical adoption agencies who are, pardon the expression, in bed with the Republicans.
The reason news like this matters is that it goes to the heart of our collective irrational notion, that sexual orientation has something to do with parenting. The idea here is that really serious sin is a deal-breaker in parenting and that (surprise!) sexual orientation is a sin, because it’s an “immoral choice.” That’s right, hetero dudes wake up every morning and look themselves in the mirror wondering if today, just maybe, they should try gay for a while. They think about it for a minute and then, because they are so very good, they decide to be hetero for, well, at least another day.
LGBTQ parenting is infused with the same simple truth that belongs to those who are in heterosexual relationships and those who are in no relationship at all: parenting is about what’s good for the kids. Learning that your dad once passionately followed some cringe-worthy band from the ‘90s, that your mom spent her summer allowance at 16 on magic mushrooms or that your parents like same-sex partners, has nothing to do with how they’re parenting.
Our children are not little mini-mes. Just because I believe (strongly) that U2 is still a great band, doesn’t mean they are. Just because I like a certain something about someone I find sexually attractive, does not mean my tastes, interests, or orientation will somehow rub off on my children.
So, LGBTQ parents have only one option: learn from every credible parenting authority out there, so you can do the best you can do by your children. Just like everyone else.
What about sexuality? What can LGBTQ parents offer their children? Lots actually: LGBTQ parents are in many ways, in this hetero marriage and family therapist’s view, more likely to offer the best parenting of all in regard to sexuality.
Here’s a sampling of what LGBTQ parents give nearly effortlessly:
• Because they have suffered much in the way of discrimination, LGBTQ parents can offer the deepest levels of compassion during the trying times of their children’s sexual development.
• Because they have resisted the pressure to conform to others’ views of themselves as flawed, LGBTQ parents are far more able to affirm individual identity (hetero kids need an identity too) and more able to teach kids how to stand up for themselves.
• Because LGBTQ parents have had to deal with sexuality in a more protracted and deeper way than those who are hetero-normative, they are far more informed and comfortable talking about sexuality in general.
• Because LGBTQ parents are so familiar with and aware of how religion can be used as a bludgeon against kids, they are vastly more competent about discerning the value (or lack of value) in spiritual offerings. Having spent years asking for bread and being consistently handed a stone, they are quick to discern and equally assertive about protecting their kids.
• Finally, because LGBTQ parents have had to fight for the right to simply be who they are, they value their sexuality and esteem it more than those who take it for granted. Don’t we want our kids to value their sexuality?
No one can give away something that they don’t have. LGBTQ parents have paid a price to learn how to share and teach sexual compassion, sexual identity, sexual respect, and how to stay sexually safe. LGBTQ parents are simply the best.
Steven Ing is a psychotherapist, author and TEDx presenter. As a sexuality expert, he teaches how we can manage our sexuality with reason and love. Learn more at stevening.com.
